sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
