She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
