It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
