you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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