My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
