Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Randomize
