I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
