the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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