Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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