You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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