I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
