I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize
