dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
True strength comes from lack of pants
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