i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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