I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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