i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
