My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
