I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
