oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
