Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
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