does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Randomize
