My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Randomize
