The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
