I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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