Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Randomize
