Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
