I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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