I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
