I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
