I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Randomize
