Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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