Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Randomize
