She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
