i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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