My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
How's work?
Spinning.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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