Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
