atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I need a burrito and a hug.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
