Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
