When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
This is the high leading the old right now
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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