he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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