there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
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