last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
She made me pour olive oil on her.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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