it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
