He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
My vagina is very pro this idea
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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