You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
