According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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