Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
