Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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