put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
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