we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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