just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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